STATUS: An illusion of spring time here in Denver. It’s going to be in the 60s several days in a row. Oh, here comes spring fever.
What’s playing on the XM or iPod right now? NOWHERE FAST by Smiths
As you folks know, recently we did a big computer conversion here at the office. As part of the conversion, we’ve been migrating to a new email/CRM program that we are quite excited about. As part of the process, we’ve been cleaning out old saved email folders from our query inbox.
Well, Anita had a folder where she saved some of the best email queries NLA has ever received. And I’m sure you guys realize that I’m using the word “best” euphemistically here.
We unearthed one that is just too good not to share.
This query was for a memoir about the author’s life long relationship with his um… his um… his Johnson, summer sausage, ding dong, one-eyed monster.
Folks, I can’t make this stuff up.
His had a separate personality and was the cause of his interesting career (and no, it wasn’t in THAT business).
Best yet? It was time to let him out of the closet and present him to the world in the first book of a trilogy. Yes, you read that right--a trilogy.
The only question that remained, according to the query letter, was whether the world was ready for it.
Only you, dear blog readers, can answer that question!
67 comments:
And you said no to this? Haha :) That is hilariously awful. I'm often confused by people and whats going on in their heads. This kind of stuff shows why evolution is only a theory.
Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)
I will not make inappropriate jokes on the nice agent's blog... I will not make inappropriate jokes on the nice agent's blog...I will not make inappropriate jokes on the nice agent's blog...
Did the um... query (euphemisms are wonderful; they truly are) ... at least have decent grammar and a unique voice?
Ugh... I will not make inappropriate jokes on the nice agent's blog...
*forces self to hit send before it's too late*
You should forward it to queryshark.
Do it.
Do. It.
Query Shark would be a good idea on this one, I think.
But it reminds me of that musical by StarKidPotter...that musical I wish I could block out of my mind.
Heh, maybe he'd have better luck turning it into a screenplay and billing it as the male equivalent of The Vagina Monologues -- A Man and his Johnson.
I'm such a naive person at heart. When you used the word "good," I thought you referred to the literal definition. As in Golden Sumatra, Marriage Freres and L'Ancienne chocolate are all really good.
That query is just ... the right words elude me.
Was a trilogy required because one book just couldn't contain it?
A trilogy? Wow. Well, at least he doesn't suffer from feelings of inadequacy.
But the answer to your final question...yeah, that'd be a no. I mean NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PleaseGodhelpusall. No. Not ready.
Yikes.
Okay, I can't resist. A few stabs at the title of his manuscript.
"Pride and Prejudice:Below the Belt"
"A Farewell to Arms and Other Body Appendages"
"The Naked and the Dead: Part Two"
"The Sun Also Rises"
And I will stop there while I am ahead....something about a seafarer chasing a white whale comes to mind.
It's official. I've been blacklisted from Kristin's agency. Sigh. Another one bites the dust.
I think I've dated that guy . . .
...Excuse me while I curl into a fetal position and weep for humanity because someone, somewhere, thought this was a good idea.
The Tale of Two... nevermind.
I'm taking Josin's stance and backing off before this gets a little out of hand.
Okay can't help it!
Theme song for the book trailer: "Detachable Penis"- By King Missle
The sad thing is I know too many who would read this, and for that reason it will probably get published.
Was he angling for a full-color, coffee-table edition?
I wasn't aware my husband had sent you a query. :D (just kidding)
Was that guy by any chance named Sheen?
Can't help it:
"Ding-Dong: Who's There"
"Chronicles of the One Eyed Monster"
"The Dingaling Diaries"
"Me and My Little Friend"
"What Willy Knows"
Maybe he's just ahead of his time.
Another aspiring author gets the shaft.
Did he have stiff competition?
Imagine if it had been a bestseller -- wouldn't he have gotten a bit cocky?
This gives all new meaning to writing to the bone.
I can only imagine what psychiatry would look like today if Freud had done a case study on that one.
Wait, maybe he.... Nevermind.
It wasn't Charlie Sheen, was it?
Sounds like John Cheever:
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html
(just search on his name.)
So would each book of the trilogy cover one of the three aspects 'ahem' of the item in question?
Forward it to me. I'll publish it and make a million. And perhaps the next two books are about Mr. Johnson's closest companions.
A trilogy??? WoW. lol
I bet there is LOTS of fun stuff in that "best of" folder ;)
I was really hoping for a legit, good query, but that was pretty funny.
Oh my gosh, and I thought I had heard it all when I heard the story of the guy who came into the ER because he was stuck in a duck. True story.
Oh come on, you could have called it THE CHRONICLES OF PETER. I'm so feeling that. Um wait. No I'm not. I mean, the title, not the...Oh never mind.
This was so unbelievable I had to read it outloud to my husband. Thanks for the good laugh!
Amy
Oh, this made me laugh. Also, this has to be the first time you used the word "johnson" in a post--go Kristin!
The sad part is, if this was told in the right way, I just might read it!
Maybe he can sell the story to the South Park guys. They had J-Lo as a hand, one time, you know. Insanity...
~Tara
He submitted to my agency too. I asked to see the full.
It was thin and needed a better arc. I told him if he cut some of it, I'd take another look.
But that made him crabby, so I told him to put on his big-boy pants.
Things came to a head, and he gave me the shaft before withdrawing his submission.
Could you talk him into making it a pop-up book?
You never know - it could work. It's notoriously difficult to judge the size of these things, especially this one. Subject matters like these tend to be growers, and the bigger it gets the deeper into the market it'll penetrate.
OK, the opinions might be a little one-eyed, but that's because it's a purely male perspective. Though I suspect the hard-cover will be more useful than the soft.
And of course, if it does take-off with the female readership, it could spawn a whole genre of prefab copies, probably bigger in text but without any real body accompanying it, that'll fill up a few hundred thousand nightstands and give women something to enjoy during a quiet night in alone.
Having said that - I guarantee the two sequels will be Balls
Word verification - Ephypt: The noise someone makes when ready a query from the POV of a Penis whilst taking a swig of coffee
Brilliant.
Playing Boswell to his own Johnson.
It's probably a novella, but when you polish it becomes a trilogy.
dylan
Have to post anonymously since I don't want to embarrass anybody...but we once got a query letter about a man who was transgendered and wrote the book from both his male and female counterparts.
Now, there's nothing wrong with being transgendered. But since the book was about something else entirely, I wasn't sure why s/he was sharing. S/he opted to use ellipses instead of periods, too. Every time.
sounds like a fun book to me. perhaps if he marketed it as YA instead of memoir he'd have a hit on his hands.
Of course it would have to be a trilogy...one book wouldn't be big enough to cover all of it.
This idea was already done - over twenty years ago: the movie Marquis
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097839/
o_O
That's really all I have to say...
It was rejected because the writing was flaccid.
LOL! I think that just made my day!
I wonder if he had the nerve to send it to Query Shark?
(Chomp)
I had just posted on my blog that all first-time authors truly believe in their projects, but this guy takes that idea to new lengths.
Reminds me of the young woman in my Comp 101 class whose first essay was a detailed account of having sex. Her writing skills weren't very good, but she caught readers' attention ... and she did become quite a popular classmate.
LOL, someone beat him to the punch. Did you see this?
THE BIG PENIS BOOK - IN 3D
http://bit.ly/ebaD4e
The price tag is the only thing that puts me off buying a copy of my very own. XD
<3,
-J
too funny! you totally made my stressful day at the office better! as did all the comments thanks.
It occurs to me that one could frame "Portnoy's Complaint" as dealing with similar subject matter. But if this dude was Philip Roth, he would have written an impressive query.
Don't believe you. It's a phallusy.
Since so many women responded to this post, I guess this must be "ladies night out".
Apologizing in advance for the sacrilege I'm about to commit with the title I'm about to suggest.
The Penis: Mightier Than The Sword.
Sorry. Couldn't help myself.
Hmmm...I wonder if it will have any fold-outs? It needs titles:
My Urologist is a Sherpa.
The Handworms of Dune.
Free Willy Wanker
Came here to mention the StarKid musical, saw that elfarmy17 covered it in the fourth comment. This has been done, and well.
THE LOVELY BONE, by Rod O'Toole
In the tradition of THE DARK TOWER, THE FIRM, and MOBY DICK.
Coming Soon!
... in hardcover.
...but you didn't mention if you asked for a partial...
(and, yes, a partial only because you can't handle the full... oh, forgive me, I just couldn't help it).
So how did it not stand up, erm out, er apart?
Didn't Robin Williams do a bit about how he would be your best friend? Perfect character witness?
"Tell me, Mr. Phallus. Can you describe to me the events of the night in question?"
"Well. It was light, it was dark, it was light, it was dark, it was light, it was dark. "
Kristin...
57 comments...an all time record? See we are reading your blog.
Your euphemistic handling of this topic was in and of itself quite hilarious!!
I'm still laughing out loud.
I just came back from a grueling "date" with the dentist and needed a good chuckle.
thanks!
LaylaF
I'm still laughing.
Sounds like someone spent a little too much time with his hands.
Oh, did I get the expression wrong? No, wait, I really didn't.
"Anonymous said...
Of course it would have to be a trilogy...one book wouldn't be big enough to cover all of it."
And, boy, oh, boy, do we want it all covered! :> As in, quite possibly, buried?
Hi There! I'm sure you will be astonished, but actually such a book does exist: it's called "The Two of Us", by the Italian author Alberto Moravia, a very cultivated writer with an extremely established reputation in Europe. It was published in 1971 and shortly after a film was released based on it. There's a English translation, if you are interested. It's a quite funny and witty book, sometimes, if you are a good storyteller, you can make something even of a very banal story!
Cheers,
Louisa
There was a film of "The Two of Us?" I'm almost afraid to ask if there's a director's "cut" of it.
If "Mr Johnson" had written his book in ancient Greece I wonder how long the scroll would've been?
My captcha is "derspag?" So close to "dirtbag!"
Looks like we got our Friday funny two days early...and it's still hilarious on Sunday.
It sounds like one of those books that I would read just because it was so badly written.
"Show, don't tell"
I know I'm way late to the party but this is a serious case of insanity. No. I am not interested, nor will I ever be.
I'm sure those are the moments that you laugh hysterically after a very long day of crap and this just took the cake.
I'm pretty sure just about every male would like to write a memoir about--ahem--you know. But what would their mothers say?
This is unbelievably funny - imagine that scenario coming to bookstores near you! Shield the childrens' eyes. :)
This is Anthony Weiner's book,isn't it?
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